Something Just Hit Me...

Like a ton of fucking bricks. [New Orleans update will be soon]

I look at blogs and read other peoples' articles and see other people's photographs and always think, "Damn they are soooo cool." I wish that it hadn't taken me this long to stop comparing myself to other people and taking in pride in what I do and who I am.

There's a lot of things that may have egged this on:
1) I feel like I'm in a fucking rut in community college. I fucked up, bad. And now I feel like I'm never going to get out.
2) I also feel like other people are better than me.
ex: I'm terribly shy and intimidated by most of the people in Dan's life.
He comes from a prominent family and everyone just seems so successful I'm
completely embarassed when I tell them I am in community college, thus me not
engaging in fruitful conversations for fear that I have nothing good to bring
to it... ANYWAY it bothers him and bothers me and I just feel inadequate.


Thinking of all this outloud has finally made me decide, FUCK THAT AND WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK. I'm 20 years old I like to think that I have more coming and I will get there and hopefully make a big difference in THE WHOLE WORLD. [maybe just my world at least.] Also, I have friends, and Dan loves me so that should be enough people I try to impress, right? Whatever, I have no idead where this damn rant came from but I'm in some kind of emotional rut, maybe a quarter life crisis is happening who knows?

This is happening.

..... Can you guess what that means? Hahaha. I'm going to New Orleans on Thursday. Dan FINALLY realized he can't live without me and wants to make this work. Am I in over my head? SOOOO FAR OVER MY HEAD. But I don't care. Haters to the left. I love Dan and am willing to work out a long distance relationship. So is he, although it took him two gruesome weeks to figure it out. Unfortunately my beautiful digicam was stolen a month or so ago, so I will have to borrow some old one but I've never been so anxious I seriously broke out in hives. Seriously. On my arms and chest. I could also be stressing because I found out I'm doing TERRIBLE in History. But anyway. I'll be back from The Big Easy on Monday, until then......

Sour cream.

I have a lot of sour cream left over from my perogies and want something else to eat with it....

Anyway I need to start studying for history. I told myself to work for straight A's this semester... but now I might have to settle for B's. I knowwww I'm so repetitive, but habits are hard to break, haven't I said that recently too?

Anyway I haven't talked to Dan in 2 weeks now and WTF I did not think I was going to have this hard of a time handeling it. I just stare at my phone hoping he'll call, but then think if he does I shouldn't answer. I'm a mess, yet of course you couldn't tell by being with me. The only person I ever want to talk to things about now is Dan, since he always said I never show my feelings. Well, fuck. My first heartache, I really hope this is the worst it ever gets because if it's not I'm never having a boyfriend ever again.


Haha maybe that was a bit dramatic, but you know what I mean, right? One day soon I'll have other things to post about besides him, promise.

The art of procrastination.

If anyone's good at putting things off until the last minute, it's me. I think I've been doing it since middle school and it's by far the hardest habit to break. Especially writing something on the computer. I should probably disconnect the internet and lock myself in a room with no tv or radio, or anything for that matter. Right now I have about five windows open, postsecret, facebook, google, and grooveshark. The Tv is also on, true life is on low but I pretend to watch when the world wide web has run out of excitement. If I want to be a writer this should probably be the first problem I fix, deadlines deadlines deadlines...


Otherwise I've been confused and frustrated since Dan left. He says he doesn't want a long distance relationship, FINE. Yet he calls me almost everyday and really wants me to come visit. We've decided to stop talking for good twice, but I guess like I said earlier, habits are hard to break. Right now I'm awaiting his decision. "All of nothing" was what I told him, and I'm dead serious this time.

Ok I'll get back to writing that article.... siiighhhh.

Update: Ok, it's really over for good this time.

Well,

Dan left. I've been planning on writing this whole long post about the past year, and what I've learned, and what to hope for in upcoming relationships... But like most other situations, I can't find the words. I think I'm content with sitting in the memories and wallowing about being lonely for now. It has only been a couple days, and we have talked, but our goodbye didn't seem final [atleast to me] so we'll see what happens. A lot can happen over a year, but at the same time it's only one year.

Either way I'm sad. We spent our last couple hours together waiting in the scorching heat of Pasadena because he locked his keys in his car, with it running. It was brutal but I didn't cry when he left me.

Anyway school starts tomorrow so I have something fun to focus on, I'm taking a class that is just working on the school paper so I'm sooo excited for that. I'm also applying to a new job hopefully this week so that should go well. New things... it's pretty refreshing & hopefully successful.

I gotta

shake shake it off.

Why can't life be as simple as Mariah Carey lyrics?

Bye bye blackbird. Dan is leaving me next month for Tulane University... in New Orleans. That's the end of the road for us I guess. I don't really know how to deal with it besides write about it on here. I'm trying my best to not care but it's not working out so well. Just gotta keep my mind distracted for the time being.

I left my heart...

Why does dating someone 4 years older than me have to be sooo difficult sometimes. We'll never be on the same page, although I'm willing to understand what he is going through if he lets me, or wants to understand what I am going through.

ughh anyway love will find a way, right? I've never given my self whole-heartedly to anything like this before so maybe I'm just going about it in all the wrong ways? Who knows, I just wish things were easier and not so tearing of my heartstrings. ('heartsprings' by heiruspecs is a reaallly good jam)

Besides that the San Fran/Napa trip over memorial weekend was so nice. Which reminds me that my first post on here was from Memorial weekend last year, in Vegas. The Stinking Rose, Aces, The Grove, some random little hipster bar in an alley, Nikki and 'myself' sharing the same birthday as a bouncer at a bar hahaha, and wine tasting oh and not to mention karaoking. Mini vacay's are so nice, now I'm just ready for summer to begin. I'm also on a job hunt, I need some serious shit to start happenin over here amidst my fun-havings [I can't believe I even said that].

I'm too lazy to put shit on photobucket so I'll post some pics later, or something.

My body aches.

Friday night I saw The Soloist, which really made me fall in love with Robert Downey Jr. His voice is so sexy, and not to mention the movie was pretty great.

On Saturday Dan, Tony and I woke up at 5:30 to meet up with their brother-in-law Leonard and drive up past Santa Barbara to the Gaviota Hot Springs. I believe the hike was about 3.2 miles up, (and I emphasize UP because it was all uphill, hence why my legs are sore as fuck). I really didn't think I was going to make it, but being with 3 men I had to suck it up.

The hike was really dope though, meadows of long grass, pretty sure I got some poison ivy on me, but whatev.

The top of the peak was the best part. There was a tin cylinder that I thought was just trash, but there were composition notebooks in there with pens. Flipping through the pages was hilarious, a lot of people wrote how awesome they felt to be at the top, and others wrote how stoned they were (cougar bongrips with illustrations was my favorite I wish I took a pic of it.) We ate some delicious sandwiches that Leonard made and just took in the view of the coast.


The way down was much easier and faster, then we made it to the Hot Springs, which were more luke warm but it felt nice.
It was pretty muddy but I loved it.

After the hike we scarfed down some pizza and met up with some other of Dan's cousins at the VHS club in Pasadena. Enjoyed a nice swim and jacuzzi action then pretty much after that I slept... after an In n Out burger of course.

It was an amazing Saturday even though it hurts to move and I have to go work soon. But it's ok, Just when I think life can't get any better, it does...[knock on wood].

staring at the ceiling...

Words can't describe the deep zen/happiness I'm feeling right now.
Maybe it was the budlight I chugged in the car down to the OC before I had eaten dinner, or the Blue Moons I drank after dinner.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm now 20, and had a good 5 days of celebration, including renewing my Disneyland pass and eating a million churros last night.

Or the soft melodies of "Breathe" by Telepopmusik that came onto pandora just now.

Orrr maybe it's just the simple fact that I'm in love, and my tarot card reading said my life will be just as I plan it to be, maybe even better.

Fuck if I know, but I never want this feeling to leave my soul. Goodnight.

March madness.

I don't know anything about ncaa basketball so don't let the title fool you.

this month was crazy, but now it's over, we'll see where things go from here.. should be interesting. siiiigh. i joined twitter. it's kind of boring.

They only want you when you're 17.

Words cannot describe my crazy trip to Vegas. It was probably one of the best weekends of my life, top three for sure.


I've made it three weeks without Dan, and at this point it's starting to hit me. If I have another dream where he comes home I'm going to be pissed cuz it's teasing me. Ughhh only one more week, I can make it.

let me down easy.

I've never been so disappointed in myself.


okokok let me elaborate. After going on a nice little jog* just now, I've had some time to clear my head and think about all of this.
The reason why I am so disappointed is because I couldn't pass english 1 at smc two semesters in a row. I struggled trying to get passing grades in high school so much that I thought I would really do better in 'college.' Well I went back to my evil ways and procrastinated and didn't give enough fucks, so now I'm paying the price for it. Smc says I am disqualified to sign up for spring semester because of my failing grades, so I applied to El Camino... the one place I swore I would never step foot on... (or is it in? whatever, anywaaays) I stressed out about it yesterday and yes even shed a few random tears (which Nikki made sure to embarass me about) But what is that going to do? I need to get my ass into gear and stop dicking around, I can't attend junior college all my life, and unfortunately I'm just realizing this now after a year. So yes, in conclusion I am going to TRY at school, because I know I can be smart, I JUST KNOW IT.

*By jog I mean a light sprint for a block then walking for about 3 blocks. I should also work on getting the mental strength of a runner because I can't run for shit. I need to get in shape so I'm going to start running a few times a week on the streets. Fuck the gym that shit's expensive I'm cancelling my membership today haha.

Oh Oh and another note, Dan said that his parents notice that I'm still kind of shy around them, which made me upset because I don't even know why I'm so shy around them, I usually get along with parents really well but for some reason they really intimidate me.... Just another thing on my list to work on I guess.