no matter how it ends.

Something Just Hit Me...

2009-11-19T16:08:00.001-08:00

Like a ton of fucking bricks. [New Orleans update will be soon]

I look at blogs and read other peoples' articles and see other people's photographs and always think, "Damn they are soooo cool." I wish that it hadn't taken me this long to stop comparing myself to other people and taking in pride in what I do and who I am.

There's a lot of things that may have egged this on:
1) I feel like I'm in a fucking rut in community college. I fucked up, bad. And now I feel like I'm never going to get out.
2) I also feel like other people are better than me.
ex: I'm terribly shy and intimidated by most of the people in Dan's life.
He comes from a prominent family and everyone just seems so successful I'm
completely embarassed when I tell them I am in community college, thus me not
engaging in fruitful conversations for fear that I have nothing good to bring
to it... ANYWAY it bothers him and bothers me and I just feel inadequate.

Thinking of all this outloud has finally made me decide, FUCK THAT AND WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK. I'm 20 years old I like to think that I have more coming and I will get there and hopefully make a big difference in THE WHOLE WORLD. [maybe just my world at least.] Also, I have friends, and Dan loves me so that should be enough people I try to impress, right? Whatever, I have no idead where this damn rant came from but I'm in some kind of emotional rut, maybe a quarter life crisis is happening who knows?

This is happening.

2009-11-10T21:28:00.001-08:00

..... Can you guess what that means? Hahaha. I'm going to New Orleans on Thursday. Dan FINALLY realized he can't live without me and wants to make this work. Am I in over my head? SOOOO FAR OVER MY HEAD. But I don't care. Haters to the left. I love Dan and am willing to work out a long distance relationship. So is he, although it took him two gruesome weeks to figure it out. Unfortunately my beautiful digicam was stolen a month or so ago, so I will have to borrow some old one but I've never been so anxious I seriously broke out in hives. Seriously. On my arms and chest. I could also be stressing because I found out I'm doing TERRIBLE in History. But anyway. I'll be back from The Big Easy on Monday, until then......

Sour cream.

2009-10-20T13:42:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of sour cream left over from my perogies and want something else to eat with it....

Anyway I need to start studying for history. I told myself to work for straight A's this semester... but now I might have to settle for B's. I knowwww I'm so repetitive, but habits are hard to break, haven't I said that recently too?

Anyway I haven't talked to Dan in 2 weeks now and WTF I did not think I was going to have this hard of a time handeling it. I just stare at my phone hoping he'll call, but then think if he does I shouldn't answer. I'm a mess, yet of course you couldn't tell by being with me. The only person I ever want to talk to things about now is Dan, since he always said I never show my feelings. Well, fuck. My first heartache, I really hope this is the worst it ever gets because if it's not I'm never having a boyfriend ever again.

Haha maybe that was a bit dramatic, but you know what I mean, right? One day soon I'll have other things to post about besides him, promise.

The art of procrastination.

2009-10-04T22:03:00.000-07:00

If anyone's good at putting things off until the last minute, it's me. I think I've been doing it since middle school and it's by far the hardest habit to break. Especially writing something on the computer. I should probably disconnect the internet and lock myself in a room with no tv or radio, or anything for that matter. Right now I have about five windows open, postsecret, facebook, google, and grooveshark. The Tv is also on, true life is on low but I pretend to watch when the world wide web has run out of excitement. If I want to be a writer this should probably be the first problem I fix, deadlines deadlines deadlines...

Otherwise I've been confused and frustrated since Dan left. He says he doesn't want a long distance relationship, FINE. Yet he calls me almost everyday and really wants me to come visit. We've decided to stop talking for good twice, but I guess like I said earlier, habits are hard to break. Right now I'm awaiting his decision. "All of nothing" was what I told him, and I'm dead serious this time.

Ok I'll get back to writing that article.... siiighhhh.

Update: Ok, it's really over for good this time.

Well,

2009-08-30T20:16:00.000-07:00

Dan left. I've been planning on writing this whole long post about the past year, and what I've learned, and what to hope for in upcoming relationships... But like most other situations, I can't find the words. I think I'm content with sitting in the memories and wallowing about being lonely for now. It has only been a couple days, and we have talked, but our goodbye didn't seem final [atleast to me] so we'll see what happens. A lot can happen over a year, but at the same time it's only one year.

Either way I'm sad. We spent our last couple hours together waiting in the scorching heat of Pasadena because he locked his keys in his car, with it running. It was brutal but I didn't cry when he left me.

Anyway school starts tomorrow so I have something fun to focus on, I'm taking a class that is just working on the school paper so I'm sooo excited for that. I'm also applying to a new job hopefully this week so that should go well. New things... it's pretty refreshing & hopefully successful.

I gotta

2009-07-12T11:22:00.001-07:00

shake shake it off.

Why can't life be as simple as Mariah Carey lyrics?

Bye bye blackbird. Dan is leaving me next month for Tulane University... in New Orleans. That's the end of the road for us I guess. I don't really know how to deal with it besides write about it on here. I'm trying my best to not care but it's not working out so well. Just gotta keep my mind distracted for the time being.

I left my heart...

2009-05-27T14:52:00.000-07:00

Why does dating someone 4 years older than me have to be sooo difficult sometimes. We'll never be on the same page, although I'm willing to understand what he is going through if he lets me, or wants to understand what I am going through.

ughh anyway love will find a way, right? I've never given my self whole-heartedly to anything like this before so maybe I'm just going about it in all the wrong ways? Who knows, I just wish things were easier and not so tearing of my heartstrings. ('heartsprings' by heiruspecs is a reaallly good jam)

Besides that the San Fran/Napa trip over memorial weekend was so nice. Which reminds me that my first post on here was from Memorial weekend last year, in Vegas. The Stinking Rose, Aces, The Grove, some random little hipster bar in an alley, Nikki and 'myself' sharing the same birthday as a bouncer at a bar hahaha, and wine tasting oh and not to mention karaoking. Mini vacay's are so nice, now I'm just ready for summer to begin. I'm also on a job hunt, I need some serious shit to start happenin over here amidst my fun-havings [I can't believe I even said that].

I'm too lazy to put shit on photobucket so I'll post some pics later, or something.

My body aches.

2009-04-26T08:32:00.000-07:00

Friday night I saw The Soloist, which really made me fall in love with Robert Downey Jr. His voice is so sexy, and not to mention the movie was pretty great.

On Saturday Dan, Tony and I woke up at 5:30 to meet up with their brother-in-law Leonard and drive up past Santa Barbara to the Gaviota Hot Springs. I believe the hike was about 3.2 miles up, (and I emphasize UP because it was all uphill, hence why my legs are sore as fuck). I really didn't think I was going to make it, but being with 3 men I had to suck it up.

The hike was really dope though, meadows of long grass, pretty sure I got some poison ivy on me, but whatev.

The top of the peak was the best part. There was a tin cylinder that I thought was just trash, but there were composition notebooks in there with pens. Flipping through the pages was hilarious, a lot of people wrote how awesome they felt to be at the top, and others wrote how stoned they were (cougar bongrips with illustrations was my favorite I wish I took a pic of it.) We ate some delicious sandwiches that Leonard made and just took in the view of the coast.

The way down was much easier and faster, then we made it to the Hot Springs, which were more luke warm but it felt nice.
It was pretty muddy but I loved it.

After the hike we scarfed down some pizza and met up with some other of Dan's cousins at the VHS club in Pasadena. Enjoyed a nice swim and jacuzzi action then pretty much after that I slept... after an In n Out burger of course.

It was an amazing Saturday even though it hurts to move and I have to go work soon. But it's ok, Just when I think life can't get any better, it does...[knock on wood].

staring at the ceiling...

2009-04-16T23:45:00.000-07:00

Words can't describe the deep zen/happiness I'm feeling right now.
Maybe it was the budlight I chugged in the car down to the OC before I had eaten dinner, or the Blue Moons I drank after dinner.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm now 20, and had a good 5 days of celebration, including renewing my Disneyland pass and eating a million churros last night.

Or the soft melodies of "Breathe" by Telepopmusik that came onto pandora just now.

Orrr maybe it's just the simple fact that I'm in love, and my tarot card reading said my life will be just as I plan it to be, maybe even better.

Fuck if I know, but I never want this feeling to leave my soul. Goodnight.

March madness.

2009-03-26T20:50:00.000-07:00

I don't know anything about ncaa basketball so don't let the title fool you.

this month was crazy, but now it's over, we'll see where things go from here.. should be interesting. siiiigh. i joined twitter. it's kind of boring.

They only want you when you're 17.

2009-03-16T08:12:00.000-07:00

Words cannot describe my crazy trip to Vegas. It was probably one of the best weekends of my life, top three for sure.

I've made it three weeks without Dan, and at this point it's starting to hit me. If I have another dream where he comes home I'm going to be pissed cuz it's teasing me. Ughhh only one more week, I can make it.

let me down easy.

2009-01-21T08:13:00.000-08:00

I've never been so disappointed in myself.

okokok let me elaborate. After going on a nice little jog* just now, I've had some time to clear my head and think about all of this.
The reason why I am so disappointed is because I couldn't pass english 1 at smc two semesters in a row. I struggled trying to get passing grades in high school so much that I thought I would really do better in 'college.' Well I went back to my evil ways and procrastinated and didn't give enough fucks, so now I'm paying the price for it. Smc says I am disqualified to sign up for spring semester because of my failing grades, so I applied to El Camino... the one place I swore I would never step foot on... (or is it in? whatever, anywaaays) I stressed out about it yesterday and yes even shed a few random tears (which Nikki made sure to embarass me about) But what is that going to do? I need to get my ass into gear and stop dicking around, I can't attend junior college all my life, and unfortunately I'm just realizing this now after a year. So yes, in conclusion I am going to TRY at school, because I know I can be smart, I JUST KNOW IT.

*By jog I mean a light sprint for a block then walking for about 3 blocks. I should also work on getting the mental strength of a runner because I can't run for shit. I need to get in shape so I'm going to start running a few times a week on the streets. Fuck the gym that shit's expensive I'm cancelling my membership today haha.

Oh Oh and another note, Dan said that his parents notice that I'm still kind of shy around them, which made me upset because I don't even know why I'm so shy around them, I usually get along with parents really well but for some reason they really intimidate me.... Just another thing on my list to work on I guess.

Goodbye

2008-12-30T10:39:00.000-08:00

2008.
Tomorrow is new year's eve, where the haaalllleee did the year go?!?

let's recap.

January. Started off the new year with a bang, was hooking up with Jared (ewwww) and everything was cool de la.
February. Started SMC, quickly realized I was not ready for school haha. Jared and Lauren got together, we stopped being friends.
March. Nothing too exciting, just school and shiiit.
April. Turned 19, had a bday party, fun ensues.
May. Vegas for Nikki's bday (epic puke on the strip), ready for summer :) Met Richard, became bff's.
June. Summer loving, going out, beer pong, living it up and not giving a damn.
July. 4th of July was nice, same as june, still dgafing.
August. Started thinking about school, started seeing Dan (aka my dream come true haha).
September. School started, getting more serious with Dan (meeting his family and friends, etc..) mom turned 49.
October. Halloween!!
November. Struggeling to focus on school (mostly math), became a girlfriend.
December. Just came back from Christmas in Vegas!

I have to close tomorrow night, I'll probably be out by like 10:30 or 11, which sucks so hard I cannot even explain. Then I have to work at 11am on new years day, my job is fucking ridiculous sometimes. But I am quite excited to ring in the new year. It's always been my favorite 'holiday' or whatever you wanna call it. It's like starting with a clean slate. I've never made any resolutions but maybe I should this year. Maybe to stop being so repressed? That's pretty much the biggest realization I've had in 2008, that I hold too much in.. Anyhoo, see ya next year :)

zzzzz

2008-11-30T22:39:00.000-08:00

So I'm watching Britney Spears: For the Record and it just pains me to see all this dancing because I'm not doing it. I really need to get back into a studio or something and stop being lazy because I miss it so much. And as lame as it sounds, Britney said something like "Everything goes away when I start dancing" and other cliche' things like that, but it's so forreaaaal, like that's how I feel too!!! Ughh anyways..

I had the weirdest morning and I can't shake it off. How did I only blackout the last 15 minutes of my night?? Weiiird.

:\

2008-11-27T00:09:00.000-08:00

I wish I was confident enough to not be a jealous person but ughhh some shit just really bothers me and I'd probably be better off NOT knowing.

I feel like I've completely let my guard down in the past three months and have just gotten so naive, some of the time it feels really good and other times I'm thinking to myself, "wtf am I doin?" I think it's time for me to put those walls back up haha in other words:

no matter how it starts.

2008-10-29T01:03:00.001-07:00

So I'm writing an essay about a life changing moment that's not too cliche'd, and I chose the moment when I went to Italy. Which got me thinking about Hawaii because that was a great vacation, which got me listening to House of Cards by Radiohead, which reminded me of how fucking great this year has been. I know it's not over yet, and who knows, everything can turn to shit from here, but I am in love with 2008, I don't know if proper words can explain.

I went out and did things more than ever, I've pushed myself harder, and I think I know what I want to be later in life. I've met amazing people, which led to good times..... damn I just realized how cheesy and nostalgic this is getting....

anyways I just wanted go express my feelings of happiness and gratitude towards life and I hope I never come down from cloud nine.

it's nearly midnight

2008-10-24T09:11:00.001-07:00

and all i waaaannttt is to beee yourrr houusseewiiiifffeeeeee.

oh geeez

2008-10-02T22:11:00.001-07:00

Last night I drove out to Canyon Lake and today I went wakeboarding for the first time (and I got up!!) and I got to drive the boat really fast! and Ohh man it was such an exciting/tiring day. I can't get over how spontaneous and fun this year has been I just lovvveee liiifeee...

except I miss Dan even though he's only in the orange county :[

Note to self:

2008-09-14T14:34:00.000-07:00

I do not mix in well with a group full of medical students and lawyers in their mid 20's.

thank god there was a keg.

can't keep my hand out the cookie jar.

2008-08-24T13:02:00.001-07:00

Damn, summer '08 has been too good to me.
Lots of adventures, some money making, a little vacation to palm springs, and what better way to end it then with a toga party.

I'm gonna miss it, but I'm kind of excited to see what's next to come!!!

BadMoFoko's

2008-07-27T14:04:00.000-07:00

Comic Con was pretty effin sweet.

a text can't exist until it can be read.

2008-07-12T02:33:00.000-07:00

THE DIVING BELL AND THE BUTTERFLY is such an amazing movie I cannot even wrap my head around it. It's heartbreaking but uplifting at the same time. Just watch it.

The Way We Were is another one I watched recently, also good.

I just wanna get high like you.

2008-07-06T14:22:00.000-07:00

Fourth of July was filled with it's usual beer pong madness and I tried lighting some fireworks but I'm a noob and they sucked. I played a lot of rock band then took some shots of tequila and called it a night.

I signed up for school finally and now I need to take my car to the shop cuz it makes this rattling noise sometimes and I don't wanna blow up while driving.

Umm nothing much else exciting except when I went to Disneyland on Thursday I watched Fantasmic for the first time and had a photoshoot with Mickey and Minnie and it was soo glorious.

rare & beautiful thing.

2008-06-25T13:26:00.000-07:00

My horoscopes have been saying that my dreams are dropping hints of what is yet to come... so this should be interesting, if my horoscopes are right.

Things that I know are coming up:
-The Wackness tomorrow night at the Arclight.
-BDay party and probably seeing old friends on Friday.
-Then probably more crazy adventures for the rest of the weekend.

it's so damn hot.

2008-06-21T13:50:00.000-07:00

I had to sleep naked on top of my sheets for the past 7 hours... Not to mention I just woke up and it's 1:51 in the fucking afternoon hahaha.

Last night was soo intense, went to a party in harbor city and got too drunk too fast then wanted to fall asleep by 3:30 but ended up not leaving til 5:30 because my driver was drunk too and then of course a fight broke out, ohhh mannn it was soo much fun though, but now I'm hung over and sweaty and have to work in an hour :[

Well that all depends...

2008-06-17T15:28:00.000-07:00

On what you qualify as friends.

Hurricane Harbor kicked off the summer, I even got sunburnt!
Laker game tonight in Boston, not to be negative but the Celtics are for sure takin the playoffs, but it's ok, I just hope there are no riots in LA haha.

My weekend was more than good, but really tiring. I loveeee the sun :)

Date with the night.

2008-06-15T12:30:00.000-07:00

I don't think I've slept before 4am in the past week.

can I get a whoop whoop.

2008-06-10T15:36:00.001-07:00

It's summer and Pepper came home after missing for two weeks and The Lakers are playing in LA tonight so hopefully we can turn these playoffs around!!

Vida esta Buena!

I live life like the captain of a sinking ship.

2008-06-05T10:34:00.001-07:00

Ok so I had the weirdest dream last night and I'm going to describe it the best way I can.

First it was myself, lauren, emma, mcatee, stef and a few other random people at this house. Me stef, lauren, and mcatee were in a room picking up our old yearbooks and looking through them while emma was in the other room trying to do something. and mcatee says "emma's pretty cool" then i go "I fucking hate that bitch" (Cuz i really do) and lauren's like "be nice wah wah wah" so i'm looking at my old yearbooks and in each one i wrote: "stage 1" then whatever stage I was going through that time.
Anyways, then me stef and mcatee gather all the books up and take them to another room and on the way to the other room there's this guy sleeping and apparently we're supposed to go to disneyland but he's like let me take a nap first blah blah.

All of the sudden I'm on this medieval ship. I forget which country we're from (I didn't recognize anyone else on the ship), but we were on our way to meet up with another ship from France.

We went up and down these crazy mountains to meet them and then we did and talked blah blah then came back, then realized wait, we should go back and follow back behind them. So we went back and on the way were these crazy polar bears trying to attack us but we dodged them all crazy. So the french were on their way to our country (wherever that was) and we followed behind them. Back in our country we lived in this crazy royal house like in Marie Antoinette but half the people were dressed accordingly and others were dressed like they were from 2008, it was weird. I got in a quick swordfight with the captain of the french ship, but I cut my arm, so he went on to swordfight (playfully I guess) with the captain of my ship (who i later found out was my dad?).
I went inside the house and there were these girls and one of them was having their period and I had to call my maid to help her who was pissed and hated her job. I went upstairs and this guy from the other ship was trying to get inside the bathroom with another girl and some other weird shit, (i think he was the guy from the chronicals of narnia: prince caspian?)So i tried cleaning off my cut on my arm and out of no where a cop appears and he's wearing a white polo with black pants like an HB cop. And we see a man crawl out of the corner drenched and bleeding.
The man was the french captain and he said that when he was swordfighting with my captain, he had said that "if i accidentally get hurt I'm going to kill you." So me and the cop call for help and the french captain's family comes running up and hugging me all scared and then my phone rang and I woke up.

SO FUCKING CRAZY. someone interpret it for me.

why do i do this to myself...

2008-06-02T02:02:00.000-07:00

Here I am at 2:03am on page 2 of this research essay that needs to be 8 pages. Clueless is on and talking to this boy is distracting.

onlyonemoreweek onlyonemoreweek onlyonemoreweek
mustfinishpaper mustfinishpaper mustfinishpaper

come all you weary.

2008-05-31T11:26:00.000-07:00

soooo fucking amazing last night.

Memorial Weekend.

2008-05-27T22:17:00.000-07:00

Vegas is an adventure every single time.